Month: October 2019

Embryo Transfer

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The day of the transfer was nerve-racking and hopeful.
The directions were to arrive 30 minutes prior to the procedure and to have a full bladder. The overachiever in me drank too much water, to the point I had to pee before the transfer and then pee directly into a bed pan immediately after the transfer.

The transfer itself was quick and painless, minus the pressure against my full bladder as they transferred the embryo… Seeing the embryo gives one so much hope. The picture you leave with makes it feel as if all the shots and needles and ultrasounds have really paid off.
I left hopeful and cautious.

That transfer failed and we are now prepping for transfer #2.
I am not sure I will be able to leave with as much hope as I left with after the 1st transfer. The reality of failure is all too clear and still very near.

Somethings I plan to do differently the 2nd time around:
1. Take the embryo transfer day off as well as the following day. This is less about movement and more about managing my stress level.
2. No hot showers. period.
3. No heating pads to relieve the pain of the progesterone shot. I don’t know if the heating pad had anything to do with the failure, but a bit more precaution seems fine.
4. Every social invite has been met with a “maybe”. I refuse to commit to any gathering or even being social.

And of course, this time around I will manage my water intake. I think one water bottle is enough.

Professional Dwarf-ism

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I’ve read about the financial, mental and emotional tolls of IVF. The burden it puts on marriage, relationships- it’s all consuming force that becomes the new normal. What I haven’t heard about is the professional dwarf-ism that occurs when cycle after cycle you wait with baited breath for “good news” that makes sticking with a sucky job- for lack of a better word- makes it all worth it.

I’m at a point in my career and company that if I were not actively trying to have a child, I would be looking for a new job with more challenges and areas for growth. My current organization served its purpose professionally and now it is time to move on.

Ha! Moving on to what? While professional growth has always been a priority for me, it’s time for my professional life to serve as a means to an end.

Having been with my organization for over 5+ years I have secured a reputation for my quality of work and work ethic. Getting into the office late after a doctors appointment isn’t questioned or cause concern. I’ve acquired a vast amount vacation and sick days that allows me to be generous with my self and the time off needed when days get hard and procedures need to be done. And as much as I may gripe, I have an insurance plan that is quite IVF friendly.

Given all those variables, my professional growth is on hold. Churning thru the days dealing with mundane bs and the prospects of no growth just so that I can– have a family.

Test Day

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Another lesson.
On my test day I decided to pack my schedule with meetings upon meetings.
Stay busy I heard.
Keep distracted I heard.
That was the worse course of action ever.
Not only was I distracted by the hopes of a phone call, every meeting is now a blur. Every interaction irrelevant.

For anyone going thru their first test day, do what you do to cope. Be who you are when you need to relieve stress. If keeping busy works for you, keep busy. If spending a day reading and painting uplifts you, then do that.

No process of this cycle is a one-fit-all course, so why would test day be any different. All of our cycles are different, our coping mechanisms are different. So be different and indulge in all the things that make you feel normal.

All The Things

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One does to occupy time.

Time. It becomes eerily daunting during an IVF cycle. There is so much waiting. Patience becomes the norm.

I figured the waiting would be hard so in the midst of my already busy life I read 3 books, started a puzzle and sorted thru my knitting supplies. At some point I had to turn the TV off because I felt the loss of brain cells.

From transfer to the awaited doctors call of positive or negative… time moves slowly. Nothing quells thoughts. Sleep is fleeting and napping was key.

Revived

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It’s taken almost an entire year from when I initiated this blog to finally identify it’s niche. So here I am ready to actually write, moderate and learn.
This past year has been one of the most blessed and yet trying. We finished up our 1st year of marriage, embarked on our second; purchased our first home, did some renovations…and began IVF.

So there it is…that journey. It seems prevalent and yet secretive. It is humbling and exhausting. Emotionally, Mentally and Physically taxing. So many suggestions and nothing concrete or guaranteed. Hope upon Hope.

And in the end, all that’s wanted is a heartbeat…